What an Interesting Week...
Well a week ago if you had talked me it probably wouldnt have been very pleasant. Even thought I have so much to be thankful for I sometimes lose sight of that, and dwell on the bad things. Someone very dear to me kind of gave me a slap in the face and it knocked me out of that. Thank you , and you know who you are. you are more in my heart than ever.
Sometimes i just get lost in my emotions and don't see the world outside of me. I am capable of a very fatalistic attitude and have been known to need "instant gratification" .. in all aspects of life..I am working very hard on changing this, it is QUITE challenging and I am sure I have irked some people. I dont know why but its always been all or nothing for me.. never taking the time to just wade into the waters and test them out first.. I always seem to dive headfirst.
Someone else that I know, is giving me valuable lessons in patience, without expectations or any knowledge of the outcome. And to be frank that scares me. There were alot of unknowns for my sister and I growing up..rarely ever pleasant. Thus my fear of "not knowing".
I made a committment when I moved from San Diego to change my life.. I have along way to go but I have made my way up the ladder aways and I think that changing my outlook on life and the need to KNOW everything RIGHT now is my next step.
Honestly, there is something about this man... that keeps me hanging around.. because the old me, would have given up by now. Moved on.. looked elsewhere .. etc etc.. I see something in him I can't begin to explain. I have never had the ability to just be me.. whoever that is on any given day, like I do around him. ( yes everyone knows Im talking about you Matt ) He never judges, he doesnt say how stupid i am for feeling this way or that. Even when I badger him about "us" ( Im SO sorry ) lol. He just reitterates his position..and sometimes I wonder if HE even knows how he feels. I understand WHY he is the way he is.. I just wish it wasnt so.. and the whole point of this lesson.. I won't know.. until I know. And if nothing ever comes if it the way ID like it too.. Then thats ok. because my life is SO enriched with him in it. He makes me LAUGH hysterically, never have I met anyone with a sense of humor like his. We can be quiet together and be comfortable or talk forever. I am finally.. comfortable in my own skin. ( Dido song ) When I see his font come up in a li box I know there are laughs and support to come. When he shows up at my door, my stomach does that little flip flop and my heart stops for a moment ( WHAT IS THAT??) And speaking of support.. I want to clarify that I mean in an emotional sense. Although he has helped me out of more scrapes than I care to admit too.. I want him to know.. even he hadnt.. even if you were a dirty street bum, you would still be you and I would still feel the same. I think its the smile in your eyes when you look at me and laugh about something I have said or the way you tilt your head just a lil when YOUR being funny. ( Yes I notice everything. ) Your ability to laugh at yourself , and accept life on its terms as much as you don't like it.. has given ME inner peace. Now... before I sound like a crazy stalker person. He knows I feel this way altough I have never said as much. And he is still around.. that says sumthin, don't it?
Now before I go because it's 3:16 am and iM a lil tired from taking the bus and walking 2 miles to get MY CAR ( TY TY TY TY TY ) I want to make a special note to my 2 SISTAHS from OH and 1 from San Diego and 1 WAY over there in Florida. I love you guys so much. Not a day goes by that I am not in PM with you about one thing or another.. These are the things that keep me... away from the tide.. they keep me from being swept away...I dont think any of us thought the Ya Ya's would mean as much as they do to us now. But i am grateful for each of you. Thank you SO MUCH! ( YA YA!!! )
A very tired Moon is NOW going to bed..
I welcome any insights anyone has.
Dahn
Posted by moonjustmoonca
at 3:24 AM PST
